Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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