If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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