I wanna passion pit in your ass
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
