Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
