4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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