woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
