Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
