i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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