Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
