Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
