Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
