Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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