john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
