I'm lost and stupid without you.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
