and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
