Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
