I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
