You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
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I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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