We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you win again, gameday.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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