I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
