I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
