I look better un-naked...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
