I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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