My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Randomize
