My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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