Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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