My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
