Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
