Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
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he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
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Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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