His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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