be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
