i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
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she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We have so much sex to catch up on
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Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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