Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
birth control should be required to get into college
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
