i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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