careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
