We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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