I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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