Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just gargled with NyQuil
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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