oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
