and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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