Where is the hickey?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
