FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
