Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
