you told grandpa to call you daddy
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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