What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
