Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
