Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
