I just pynch a tree in the face
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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