I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
