I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
