so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
