Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
