the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
