i'm signing you up for texting rehab
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
