please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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