just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
