So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
