It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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