I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
